BYOP

Pregnancy is a humbling experience. It changes one's body almost instantly. Ahem, hello boobs, why didn't you demonstrate this much enthusiasm when I was 13? And yet, there are other changes that come that are less welcome. I'm here to tell you allll about them.

1. Fur
I'm not a particularly hairy person in general. My arm hair is blonde and fine, and my leg hair isn't super awful. What a surprise when I looked down to find a furry belly a few days ago. It's not quite like this...

but it's not significantly more attractive than this either.

2. Feelings
Remember when you were an angsty 12 year old and you hated the world a little bit? Welll, multiply that by infinity. When your body is flooded with hormones, it behaves as if its possessed. I didn't know I had so many feelings but I would love it if they quit this nonsense and stopped bringing me back to middle school when I didn't want to wear a dress to my Bat Mitzvah and was PISSED. I do have a photo of this somewhere but I can't find it because I just moved. In lieu of my pre-pubescent fury, enjoy this delightful doll. This is me. All of the time. And I will cut you if you don't bring me watermelon.

3. Feces
Nope, this actually isn't about poop (We aren't there yet, okay? This is only my 5th post!) but I went for the alliterative humor.

This is actually about the blog title: BYOP.
Translation: Bring Your Own Pee

As I mentioned, I just moved and I'm nesting. I wanted to go for a very subtle nautical look in our new place (fail #1, the new place had its own ideas about its personality) and journeyed to Marshalls to unearth forgotten treasures from seasons past. I did find a lot of gems, only 3/4ths of which I returned.

Still, I felt great about my loot and was just examining one more item when I felt a sensation I'd experienced one thousand times before. You know that familiar tickle in your nose? That one that tells you a sneeze is coming? Yup, I had it and it was going to happen.

I wasn't terribly concerned because I'd weathered the sneeze storm countless times successfully. You just do it and it's over. Sometimes it's even pleasant! I just failed to account for one little thing.

I had to pee.

The thing is - I ALWAYS have to pee these days. It's a given. It's just part of the new me, complete with fur and feelings. It's true I've never been an exceptional math student but I hadn't considered the following equation: Pregnant + Full Bladder + Sneeze = ________

You know what happened next. I'm super glad I had on gray yoga pants so everyone in the store could see the evidence of the entire bottle of water I chugged about 30 minutes prior. 

And then, something dawned on me. I KNOW why this happened.

These bodily changes are to remind you it's hard not to have control of your bodily functions and feelings. It's frustrating and upsetting and humbling. It's so, so humbling. And it's exactly the experience sea monkey will have as it navigates being a human. 

So, fur, feelings, and frustrating pee sneezes - I welcome you. You are making me a better, more empathic momma. I would appreciate if all other lower bodily functions take note! Lesson learned. I need no further surprises, okay? I gained understanding on the first try. Please and thank you.

Things You Do When Pregnant

I don't know what YOU do when YOU'RE pregnant but I have done some ridiculous things. One day I ate only orange colored and flavored things. This makes no sense to me because I don't really like orange anything but behold...what baby wants, baby gets. The most bizarre craving I had that day was McDonald's orange Hi-C. I know. Gross. And I had it twice. Double ick.

Okay, this still looks delicious to me. Nutrition fail. The good news is I stopped smoking meth so I feel like orange Hi-C vices pale in comparison.

Another day I impulse purchased outrageously expensive jeans (this is old news for you if you read all three of my previous posts) only to find them falling off of my butt. No one told my butt it's pregnant yet, which is nice in some ways, but it means I look like I swallowed a kickball. If I were a popsicle stick.

Yesterday I did something pretty absurd. In the winter I can never really get warm. I go from arctic tundra to popsicle but I never fully dethaw. Until April. I suppose it's the southern belle in me who is currently residing in the Peppermint Forest from Candy Land. Brrr! Why then, would I crave frozen yogurt? IT HAS THE WORD FROZEN IN IT.

For those of you following along at home, I just made two references to popsicles. My creativity is receding. Can it even do that? I know creativity is not a hairline. I am getting off topic. 

Here's where things get dumb. I walked to the yogurt place and dragged my co-workers because it's down the street from our office. I was cold before I even stepped outside. I remained cold on the walk over. I was shivering inside of the shop and didn't remove my coat nor did I take off my scarf. I ate frozen yogurt while donning my coat and scarf and shivering. Did I mention it was 35 degrees outside? 35 little lonely degrees.

These are things that make no sense to me. I was miserably cold the rest of the day and I would do it all over again. What's your "seriously?!" moment? I need to feel like I'm not the only weirdo subjecting myself to torture by fro-yo.

An Ode to Food Aversion

My life used to make sense to me. Food used to make sense to me. I have a dear friend (Bryan) who used to tease the heck out of me for my semi-disinterest in food. We work together and have lunch together most days. I love the same vegetable configuration from the salad man (also known as my salad boyfriend, Luis) and could eat the same lunch every day (spinach and kale mix, tofu, parmesan, beets, egg whites, edamame, chick peas, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, broccoli, almonds, dried cranberries, and sesame ginger dressing). I recounted my salad order to you, well, in order. I could tell you where everything is on the cart. I would write it a poem, but poetry and I never hit it off.

The point is I would have consumed that salad every day of my life...after consuming the same breakfast every day.

Bryan: "How can you possibly eat the SAME THING every day?"
Jaimie: "How can you NOT?'

And so it goes.

I share this with you because since I've been carrying sea monkey, I have become impossibly incredibly particular about food. I've never been a foodie (perhaps a drinkie) but this is something else. I never want anything unless I see a picture of it or someone eating it on tv and decide I must have it. Things I really liked before are now awful to me. It makes planning meals an Olympic feat. Poor Jonathan. He should be sainted soon.

In case we dine together soon, I'm pasting a helpful chart that is subject to change minute-to-minute. If you are reading this past 9:15 PM on January 13th, it's probably already outdated.

In	Out
Strawberry ice cream or vanilla soft serve	Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream and anything peanut butter but not peanuts
Water, sometimes Gatorade if I’m feeling frisky	All other beverages, including my one true love, Diet Coke
Plain noodles, bagels and cream cheese	Marinara sauce, ketchup, veggie burgers (a once daily staple)
Eggs and cheese	Veggie omelets
Tuna fish sandwiches sometimes	All other sandwiches
Apples, oranges	Bananas, grapes
French onion soup	Lentil soup

Basically I'm eating like an eight-year-old. Sometimes acting like one too. Second trimester, get here soon!

If Yoga Pants and Jeans Had a Baby and Other Friday Discoveries

Dear World,

I am ready to unleash the most important secret you will ever learn. Are you ready?

DID YOU KNOW MATERNITY JEANS ARE JUST DENIM YOGA PANTS?

I went window shopping a few days ago and found myself in the Pea in a Pod boutique in Macy's. I let the sales associate talk me into trying on maternity jeans because my belly was getting squeezed off by my favorite pairs. I realized I can no longer live in pregnancy denial. I convinced myself I was allowed to consider a purchase because I had a sonogram earlier in the day and sea monkey has begun to look like a person! PSA: I am a pro at retail rationalization, in the event you need a consultant. Plus, when your marine animal loses it's tail...well, wouldn't YOU try on jeans? It's really the only logical thing to do.

In case you need decoding, sea monkey's head is on the right. It's hand is raised.

It probably has a really important question such as: "But whyyyyy?" or "Are we there yet?" Sorry, monkey. It will have to wait until you can speak. I digress.

Guys, GUYS! Maternity jeans will rock your world. Eat too much at Thanksgiving and feeling uncomfortable? Who needs to unbutton when the top of your pants are lycra? Want to eat those extra 7 slices of pizza but you are worried about a muffin top? Fear not. Your waist will never resemble a baked good again. Never! Behold:

As a rule, I don't post dressing room selfies but this is breaking news. I exhaled for the first time in a month. 

Later on that evening, Friday proved to have even more in store. Keep in mind, it's already been a pretty monumental day: 1. Sea monkey is, in fact, a person. 2. I made the most critical purchase of my life. What else could possibly happen?

I'll tell you. Jonathan and I were out on the town when we discovered our child has already been born. It's a bit confusing when you can see your belly growing and also see a picture of your child, who is apparently a greeting card model.

Tell me this is not our child. 

I'm not sure what this means for the child in my belly who was the impetus for the impulse maternity jeans purchase but I'll be sure to keep you posted on further developments.

Until then, go buy maternity jeans. I can't wait to hear your disbelief.

Today I Learned

December 2nd
Today I learned: I am pregnant. Holy moly blue line in the circle * 4 pregnant. Today I also learned when you are pregnant for the first time one can be in disbelief and generate four times the evidence necessary. Immediately upon receiving results I approached the father with a very giddy "Happy Father's Day". He smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen on a human.

The father

Exhibits A-D

PS - Is my baby daddy smoking hot or what? Child, please look like your father.

December 3rd:
Today my sister learned: I am pregnant. I couldn't wait! I woke her up with a fake outfit question and basically threw my pregnancy tests at her like confetti. She loved it. We celebrated with my first Baby J present! Obviously my child will be a Brooklyn hipster. And, obviously it will have a J name.

December 5th
Today my cousin Alyssa learned: I am pregnant. She didn't believe me at first because no one was expecting I am expecting. I should take a moment to mention we (the father and I, see above photo) planned this tiny miracle. We just didn't realize our embryo would be a star pupil and appear so soon. Embryo, since you are in the mood to grant wishes, will you please be born and cure cancer/world hunger/AIDS/SARS/Ebola/poverty/racism/discrimination and maaaaybe start yourself a trust fund? K, thanks.

Also, I want to say I feel super lucky to have my sister and my cousin (who is really also our sister) and so many wonderful friends here (as in NYC) and here (as in our lives) to support us. It is kind of amazing.

December 12th
Today I learned: I have a sea monkey inside of me, not an embryo. Look. It could also be a crab. Apologies in advance if you never wanted to see the inside of my uterus. You probably should stop reading now if this makes you queasy. I have a feeling there will be lots more where this came from.

Today I also learned: Sea monkey has a heartbeat! Cue the tears.

December 22nd
Today my aunt and Grammie learned: I am pregnant. Don't tell my parents they knew first. Oops. My Grammie was proudly proclaiming she is a Super Grammie, which I already knew. Homegirl is 97 and a baller. Super doesn't even begin to describe her. My wonderful aunt was very excited, too. This made my airport meal of fries and Snapple even better. I can't believe my child made my buy Chick-fil-a fries. Sorry, world. I will plant 7 trees, pick up trash, and give three puppies hugs for supporting this establishment.

December 23rd
Today my parents learned: I am pregnant. My brother and his brand new fiance, Ale, also learned. We promise we did not mean to upstage your amazing European engagement trip. The sea monkey made us do it. She is very demanding.

How We Told
The bottom photo is the inside of one of my very favorite childhood books Goodnight Moon. They were supposed to Skype with us as we were in CA at the time and open their gift per the seventeen sets of instructions I sent buuuut my parents were basically six year olds on Christmas and couldn't wait. My mom said "Oh my God" one thousand times. I think she's been wanting me to reproduce since I got my first period so this is pretty big news in the Krause house. My dad has been sending me ridiculous name combinations. I don't think he realizes we're not having a Dr. Seuss character for a child.

Three days later, Jonathan's parents learned. So did his brother and sister-in-law.

How We Told, Part 2
We gave them the framed sea monkey with randparent spelled out plus a G and an s because I did graduate elementary school but I did not graduate photography school and a miniature stocking. I should have photographed it for scale. It could fit on the foot of a cabbage patch. A large one. We set up the frame for Paul and Crystal to see. My favorite part of telling people is witnessing their reaction. Crystal's was so adorable. Obviously Jonathan's mom's made me cry.

One thing is for sure. This baby is already loved more than it knows by people on both coasts. Do sea monkeys even know anything?

January 2nd
Today I learned: This thing won't quit. My belly, that is. Any guess how many sea monkeys I am harvesting at ten flipping weeks? I feel like I could furnish a sea monkey basketball team. I'm scared for twenty weeks. Has anyone ever just toppled over, Humpty Dumpty style? If not, I feel like I might be making that Guinness book soon.

January 5th
Today I learned: I suck at keeping secrets. Really, I suck at keeping my own secrets. I can keep yours just fine. As evidenced by this blog and the number of people I've sent it to... Look, when you have a sea monkey growing inside of you it is very difficult to think other thoughts. Still, I am loving sharing this news and so grateful to have such loving people in my life. Seriously. Yup, I said loving twice. You know why? Because this blog is from at least two of us. Three if you count the father. ;) Special shoutout to my girlfriends who are mommies (these people include my friends and people I've met through Jonathan who are his friends or family members...you are all now MY girlfriends. See ya, Jonathan :-) ). I'm loving the tips, warnings, books, DVDs... I know a lot about running a non-profit and teaching someone how to learn, but I know an embarrassingly minuscule amount about growing and raising a child. Look, I'm not that kind of doctor.

Soon I will not have the luxury of containing this news. As of the January 2nd post, I am already bigger. According to my pregnancy app (yup, there's an app for that too), my child is the size of a green olive. I used to love green olives but this week I can't eat them. It was a raspberry a few week ago and...well...I guess I overcame that. See January 6th.

January 6th
Today I learned: I can eat an entire box of mac and cheese and an entire box of raspberries and still be hungry. And nauseous. At the same time. Baby J, why are you defying logic? You are already difficult so there's no doubt you are Jonathan's child my child.

January 7th
Today I learned: When pregnant, there is no cognitive registry of "I'm sad". There are only tears. Thanks, Fields of Gold, for making me bawl on the subway. Sting, we are in a fight.

Oh, and apparently sea monkey is the size of a prune now. I am the size of a manatee. Do non-Floridans even know about these guys? They are kind of a big deal in my home state since there are like 5 of them left.